I decided to take my brother’s new truck for a test drive and someone said, "Do you have trouble driving a stick?" I’ve always owned automatics so I get that a lot from people who drive sticks. For some reason people who prefer manual transmissions think it’s something to feel smug about. There is a misimpression among stick drivers that people who drive automatics do so because they don’t have the ability to handle a stick shift. I simply prefer driving automatics.

First of all, during my time as a truck driver I logged approximately 8,000 hours behind the wheel of a wide variety of big rig trucks. I can parallel park a 47-ft. trailer better than most people can handle a Datsun. So the answer is "No, moron, I don’t have trouble driving a stick shift." Second of all, driving a stick is tough for 15-year-old girls and that’s it. No one else has ever had a problem driving a stick shift. It is not difficult. The real point is that automatics are better than manual transmissions for several reasons and I’ll go over them here.

#1 When drinking and driving you never have to set down your beer.

#2 People who have manual transmissions drive like assholes.

There is a rhythm to driving a stick. In each gear you steadily increase RPMs until it is time to switch up to the next gear. This causes stick drivers to increase their speed, switch lanes, and swerve around slower cars at times that are totally inappropriate, such as when approaching a red light. Drivers in automatics don’t suffer this affliction. If you don’t believe me, the next time you are on the road, just pay attention to which cars are swerving in and out of traffic. You’ll see a lot of little spuds in Honda Civics who think they are Speedy Gonzalez while drivers in more powerful, faster, luxury cars are content to cruise in the lane they are in.

#3 Automatics are more comfortable during long stop and go traffic jams.

When I hit a traffic jam in my Buick I set my seat to recline and zone out with my CD player. One Thanksgiving we made the mistake of taking my wife’s stick shift to Sacramento. After a two hour merry-go-round of first, second, and neutral my left leg developed cramp and I got cranky.

#4 Guys who drive automatics are not less manly than men who use a stick shift.

There is a guy I work with a Garlex Pizza who is actually thinking of spending a bunch of money to convert is Honda Accord from an automatic to a manual transmission. Of course, the kid I’m talking about isn’t even old enough to buy alcohol so he doesn’t yet have a firm grasp on what’s important in life. So for now, this is a big concern of his. I asked him, "How come you want a stick shift so bad?" His answer was the usual; "With a stick shift you have more control of the car." The real reason is that when he was 12 years old he heard his dad say automatic transmissions were for sissies and now he’s actually embarrassed to drive one. There is no other possible reason. If he really needs a stick shift to more deftly maneuver through the mean streets of Pleasanton then he should just get a different car. Hey kids, don’t ruin a perfectly good automatic transmission just because it threatens your newly burgeoning manhood.

#5 Every single day in the city of San Francisco an average of one dozen drivers role backward into the cars behind them at stop lights on steep hills.

None of these people are driving automatics.

#6 Contrary to popular belief, people who drive stick shifts are NOT quicker off the line!

This is tough to prove, but through years of experience I know this to be the absolute truth. As a pizza delivery guy I get in 12 to 16 hours more of city driving than your average commuter every week. Because I’m on the road a lot I experience a lot of other drivers. Now I’m a mellow driver, I pretty much cruise from place to place and I don’t consider other drivers as racing competition. However, I always notice when I’m behind a stick shift at a red light. I have to pause before pressing the gas as they get in gear, then I have to gently let off of the gas every time they switch gears until they reach their traveling speed. I notice the same pattern with cars that are next to me. This happens most notably on Valley Ave where Garlex Pizza is located. The street is commonly used as a longer, less crowded detour around downtown, which is jam-packed during commute hours. For that reason the cars on that road are the most determined to race. I typically travel at just 5-10 mph over the speed limit so when the road goes from single to double there is usually at least one car that will zoom past me as soon as they see daylight, as if to say, "Take that you slow moving car!" Of course, just one hundred yards down from the new lane is the stop light for Stanley Blvd. So 9 times out of 10 I pull up next to them as we wait for this extra long light to change. Because they just made a dramatic show of passing me earlier I know they want to jump out ahead of me as soon as they light changes, but I swear in the 70 or 80 times I was in that position last year that NEVER happened! It was almost always the same. First the Buick would get a full car length ahead before we even got through the intersection. Then as soon as they caught up to me they’d drop back again because in the half second it took them to switch gears my car would continue to increase speed. Often they were kids and in their haste to catch up I could hear them max out the RPMs in each gear. Most drivers with a stick shift wouldn’t catch up to my automatic until they hit third gear and by that time I was leveling out at 40 mph. I’m sure it is a different story on a drag strip, but I’m 100% convinced that today’s automatics are better on the road.