For almost ten years I did a punk rock sex zine called The Probe. My entire life revolved around sex, the punk scene, and drinking. It was time well spent and during those years I never put a second's worth of thought into settling down and starting a family. This being the parenthood column, you may expect me to write about how the birth of my daughter, Lydia, magically changed my wanton ways, gave me something to live for, and I've never been more happy, responsible, and well adjusted in my life. If only it were that easy. I still long for the punk rock lifestyle. I miss getting drunk every other day and being able to go to shows on weeknights. I miss drinking coffee 'till sunrise so I can get work done on my zine. Wait, actually I don't miss that part. However, I do miss hittin' the road in the old Buick with a cold twelve-pack by my side. More than anything, I miss not giving a fuck. Today, I'm too old for that other shit anyway. To me, 35 feels like what I thought I'd feel like when I hit 50. Trying to keep up the punk rock lifestyle now would be kind of sad. I know. I tried. Basically, it took the right woman, and three years of transition, before I was fit for breeding. I'm not even sure how my wife, Keri, pulled it off but one day I was barbecuing sausages on the driveway in my underwear, still sleeping on my couch, and the next thing I knew Saturday was spent buying a duvet that matched our curtains and grocery shopping at Costco. So I didn't jump straight from punk rock into fatherhood, the decision to have a baby was a bit more scripted than that. Still, though I was prepared, I had no idea what I was getting into. When I was asked about becoming a "father" I completely skipped over the baby part. I wanted to name it Captain Dirk (I thought it would be a boy.) and I told my wife we'd have to get a second TV because "I'm not watching all those kid shows all the time." Truthfully, I didn't put much thought into it at all. Ignorantly, I thought it was more important to Keri than it was to me. When Keri told me she thought I'd make a great father I said, "Yeah, I know" because I knew I'd be there for her. I wasn't nervous at all. What I really didn't understand though was how powerful the effect of the baby would be on me. I never experienced such a high level of emotion over anything in my life. It changed me psychologically. When I was a kid I used to have nightmares so terrifying that my parents would throw me in the shower to calm me down. As an adult I didn't have any fears. I never had an another nightmare until I became a father. I think the idea that I was responsible for an infant that was so precious to me and yet so helpless worked on my subconscious. I had some horrific nightmares that haunted my thoughts for days. Basically, I never cared so deeply about anything so much in my life. The night our daughter had a fever of 103 was the closest to a panic that I've ever been. Another aspect of becoming a father that I didn't expect is that taking care of a baby was much more difficult than I imagined. Before the birth, when we discussed the idea of me becoming a stay at home dad for three months, between the end of Keri's maternity leave and an opening in daycare, I didn't realize what I was getting into. I pictured myself working on my web site as the baby happily lounged nearby in her playpen or took an afternoon nap. I didn't know we would have a baby that doesn't believe in lounging and loathes the very thought of taking a nap. The amount of attention a baby requires can be grueling, especially when you have an active baby that only requires a light 20-minute nap to get her through the day. Of all the attention a baby requires from a parent, the first thing people always mention is "changing diapers!" However, that part is NOTHING, it's a small job that takes about a minute. The hardest part about taking care of a baby is, not changing, feeding, or cleaning. The hard part is that you can't take a break -not even for 30 seconds. You end up ignoring your own needs in the constant quest to keep your baby safe, happy, and occupied. I have never been more exhausted or stir crazy in my life as I was during the three months I was a stay at home father. To my daughter, a playpen was nothing more than a cage she needed to escape from. She craved social interaction and was only interested in doing whatever I was doing, unless I tried to sit down and take a break. That would piss her off. My daughter's plaintive cries could cause dogs to howl within a half-mile radius. I ended up just carrying her around everywhere, even when I had nowhere to go. It was tough just finding time to use the bathroom, much less use the computer. Being a parent is something I could not imagine doing alone. When I was a stay-at-home-dad my wife came home at lunch to breastfeed and was back home again by 4:40pm. I counted the minutes. Unlike a lot of men, I was completely aware that my wife's maternity leave had been anything, but "a vacation." However, once I did it myself I understood what she had meant the night I came home from a second shift and she told me, "I don't even feel like a person anymore." On the other hand, I've also witnessed babies that seem to spend half of the day snoozing and cry very softly. Two days ago (former) MRR's Tom and Stacy Hopkins brought their baby to a little party that was going on in the park. Their baby spent almost the entire time sleeping soundly in her stroller and when she did wake up her cry was barely a whimper. Tom told me that was about as bad as it got, I just looked at him and said, "You gotta be kidding me!" I've also heard of babies who sleep 15 hours everyday. Anyway, I don't want to sound like I'm complaining about my daughter. I love her and I think my stay-at-home dad time was valuable for both of us. When she was six months old Lydia started going to daycare and she has a great time there. She loves playing with the other kids. Whenever we drop in on her or come to pick her up she's always happy. It's great because we were really anxious about leaving her with someone else, but she's obviously doing well. Lydia is 13 months old now. Last week I spent three straight days home alone with her because our daycare provider had the flu. I'm happy to say that spending the day with her is a lot less taxing and even more rewarding than it used to be. She still demands constant attention. In fact, she'll do things like stand on top of her rocking horse with no hands or take the Tivo controller and dangle it over the dog's water bowl just to get a rise out of me. She thinks it's hilarious to make me jump out of my chair. It amazes me how much she understands. The only thing I regret is that we didn't find out about teaching her sign language until she was a year old. It's tough for her to form words. Things like "ball" and "bird" sound like the same word. Sometimes she'll stand and talk to me using very expressive face and pointing gestures, but all I can say is, "I'm sorry Lydia. I wish I knew what you were trying to tell me." It took me a couple of tries before I learned that she likes to line up empty milk, juice, and water bottles and screw their lids on and off. The first few times she started pointing at them I thought she wanted a drink. She has always liked to go outside. These days she'll plead with me by slapping on the front door and holding up her shoes. She's amazed me several times by what she understands. The other day she found a key on the floor of a car she had never been in before. She immediately climbed on top of the front seat, leaned against the stirring wheel, and tried to stick the key into the ignition! I never even realized that she paid attention to how we start cars. Babies understand a lot more than we realize. I'm not too concerned about her watching TV. She still prefers playing outside, but if a tape of the Wiggles will put a smile on her face when she's cranky then I'm all for it. TV is also how we got her to eat solid food. She used to take a couple of bites of something and then decide that food is more fun to throw and mash into clothes than it is to eat. However, I learned that if she watches a video then she won't have to play with her food for entertainment. She just sits and eats. Lydia's favorite music right now seems to be '70s funk, but she also likes watching most rock bands on TV. I taped the White Stripes playing on Conan O'Brian for her because she seems to like watching them play. It's also a band that prominently features a female drummer. My roommate Craig has a sound proof studio in our garage with a drum-set. I'm hoping Lydia learns to play it. At 13 months, her feet are still about two feet away from the foot pedals, but she likes to sit on the stool and bang on the snare, high-hat, and low tom. Craig has punk bands recording at our house about every other night so I hope she takes an interest in what's going on out there in the garage. Unfortunately it's way too loud inside for her to hang out with the bands while they play. Anyway, as you can probably tell if you see me out somewhere you may not want to ask me about my daughter unless you want your ear talked off… Getting back to my original point with this column, let me just say that if you have a kid your life will immediately become five times more complicated. Don't even tell me you have a dog, we have one too, and there is no comparison whatsoever. My advice is that you make sure you are good and jaded with your own life before taking the plunge with another. Thanks to a nearby Grandma and a very tolerant wife I still manage to get wasted semi-regularly, play in a softball league, go to shows, and spend money on records, but all of those activities are just minor side notes to my new life as a father. Don't bother asking me if there will be another issue of The Probe. It's so over. I barely have time to update my web site once every month or so. On the other hand, Craig just added some MP3s so check it out, www.proberecords.com. The amazing Reina Aveja CD and Hickey tribute/ live CD that I was supposed to put out ages ago are being released by another label, go to www.suburbanjustice.com for those. If you order something from me don't be surprised if you wait a month before I put it in the mail. See you around!