-----------------





Dear Aaron, 



    I just visited your website, and to my dismay, read that you are ending The 

    Probe.  I just want to tell you thank you so much for putting out the raddest 

    fanzine I have ever laid my bored eyes on. 

    Over the years I have always anxiously anticipated a new issue of The Probe 

    coming out.  It is the only fanzine I have ever been able to read cover to 

    cover (on more than one occassion I might add), and become absolutely 

    engulfed in it.  The Probe got me through many nights at work.  Being from 

    Las Vegas, it is next to impossible to get anything decent to read, and The 

    Probe always more than exceeded my expectations.  

    I just wanted to let you know that your hard work and "massive debts" are 

    greatly appreciated here, and I totally look forward to the debut issue of 

    Apemen Cometh.  Congratulations, and much luck on your upcoming wedding!  



    Bethany 





______________________________



Hey Aaron,



The more I think about this, the more I realize how crucially important 

it is that I object to your premonition that the Probe Empire is 

crumbling.  You've overcome many obstacles over the years, not the least 

of which are bankruptcy, jealous boyfriends, broken hearts, countless 

hangovers, and god knows what else.  The current "crisis" is no more of 

a stumbling block than those other little nuisances.  The difference, 

I've noticed, is your current proclivity to just drop things and hoist 

prematurely the white flag.  This is entirely unnecessary!  We're still 

drinking excessively, going to shows, and managing to do the same dumb 

shit we always have, even if it is less often.  I mean Christ, I blacked 

out almost every night I was home over Christmas break, managed to kick 

in a door, barge a show for Anne Frankenstein at the last minute, and 

both you and Keri ignored your colds or flus or whatever the hell it was 

just so we could all hang out, get drunk, and catch up.  The "Probe 

lifestyle" you've written about might be slowing down, but it's still 

very much alive and I, for one, am sad to see the magazine go.  Sure, 

we're all getting older and the hangovers take longer to get over these 

days, but we're adapting not just giving up.  As the voice of reason, 

I'm going to tell you not to give up so quickly.  There's still punk 

rockers who are gonna be happy to get naked for the Probe, even if it is 

just an Internet version.  And I know you've been disappointed with the 

last two Probes which you said followed the same formula as in the past. 

Maybe the Probe just needs to adjust a little to accommodate the fact 

that we're changing.  An older and wiser Probe is still the Probe.  I'm 

not sure what exactly to recommend for those changes, but someone has to 

object to you just letting it go.  Ok, I gotta go read Isaiah.



Cheers,

Brad



"And he shall be a wild ass of a man, 

with his hand against everyone, 

and everyone's hand against him; 

and he shall live at odds with all his kin" (Genesis 16:12).







----------------------



Hey Aaron,

just discovered the probe and feel like i've been missing out for a

long time. I picked up issue number 8 and loved the article on

Mission Records (I'm in the city) as well as the " how to" sex

article. I wish I could hit every guy I know over the head with it!

thanks

jenny



----------------------



Hi Aaron-

 

I just wanted to tell you that I love your zine.  I read tons of zines and I always 

sort of knew about yours but I thought it was totally boy-centric porn.  Finally, 

there was nothing in my local zine store that I wanted to read (See Hear in NYC), 

so I thought, okay I'll check out Probe, it'll at least be interesting since it's 

about the Bay Area which is where I'm from (Berkeley/Oakland).  I went home

and read it cover to cover!!  (It was #7)  then I went and bought #8 the next day, 

which was a sweet one cause after just reading about and becoming concerned about 

your mental health from #7, you sounded so happy and in love, which I love cause I'm a girl. 

By the way, MORE KRIS please!  She's a role model for a non-confrontrational girl 

like me, so I hope you keep her as part of the

scene over there.

 

Oh, I just wanted to comment on "Sex Like A God", which I thought sounded pretty 

delicious and correct.  However, remember that all women are different - for example, 

I don't like it really hard, especially really hard doggy style, because I think it's 

painful - there's no way I could come like that.  Some girls (like me) like it very 

slow at times, when they can wrap their legs around the guy and totally control all the 

movement, thus giving herself an orgasm.  Which kind, I don't know, and I really don't care.  

Oh, and guys end up going crazy when a girl does that, in fact it sucks if you're trying 

to use the pull out method cause it'll often make him come before the girl does.  

Anyway, you sound like a sweet boy.  keep it up (sorry)

 

xo,

rebecca



----------------------



Hey I was reading the back issues section online and I got to the part about 

the show at your house with link 80 and prime evil. I thought that was really 

funny because I actually played that show with link80. Their drummer was out 

of town and they asked me to play that show and a show later that night at 

gilman. When we got there I honestly felt weird about the show because I 

didnt know anything about the house and I saw bondage equipment and a guy 

coming out of a van with 666 on his forehead and a goat's head tattoed on his 

hand. I was kind of nervous... anyway link 80 gave me their demo the night 

before so I listnened to it about 10 times that night and in the car outside 

your house for about 10 minutes and then went inside and played the show, not 

really knowing the songs and I just kept playing. The guitar player had to 

yell at me and tell me that we had gone on to the next part. Anyways we left 

after that, played gilman to about 20 people amd got leftover bagels thrown 

at us. After the show the other guys in the band told me they woould kick 

their old drummer out if I joined their band... well I'm not in the band but 

I just wrote you to say thanks for the memories...

paul

p.s. I think you know a good friend of mine and he freaked out when I told 

the story I just told you because we figured out that I played at the probe 

house without knowing it. His name is Dave and he used to go to your mother 

shows in a rabbit suit I think...



----------------------



Aaron, 

        Having just read "A Little Something for The Kids," I had to write to

offer my sentiments on the subject as well as to say "good show!" That

was quite a wonderful article, and it should certainly help out a lot of

people. I wish that I had read such a piece some years ago, for I also

had to learn the humiliating way of (what I think is) great sex via

thirteen or fourteen years of trial and error (often the latter). 

        Anyhow, there were some things that I wanted to state about a few small

misconceptions in the article. The clitoris and the penis are 

*homologous* (which means they come from the same embryonic tissue), and

both react the same way: when aroused, the *corpora cavernosa* (chambers

that fill with blood and make the surrounding tissue turgid). (The "man

in the boat" is also comprised of two parts, just like the cock: the

"shaft" and the "glans.") As for why women tend to really love the doggy

style position, it is because of the the way in which the G-spot (which

you mentioned) being from the same exact tissue as the prostrate in men

(which, when stimulated, often brings a man quickly to orgasm and/or

ejaculate), and also being situated in the same basic anatomical spot,

the result being that the penis (which on most men is curved slightly

skyward, when erect) can be made to hit the clit spot on and rather

hard. 

        Some advice on how men can hold off ejaculation: keigel (sp?)

exercises. These can be done by flexing the muscles in the base of the

penis. It is exactly the same movement made when one retains urine in

times of not being able to urinate or, when urinating, helps to get

those last few drops evacuated. It is done with measured repetition a

few times daily. Tighten the muscle, and then inhale and exhale (once)

slowly, and then release. This can be done but a few times daily (three

or four) and it will greatly increase one's penile control. 

        When a man finally lets go (and I do NOT mean ejaculate) and gets into

the fucking, the thrusts come hard and rhythmically, and they seem as if

powered by a force that comes from without. This feeling usually comes

after an hour or two of actual fucking (all the while holding off

ejaculation), or at least it does with me. And you are correct in that a

woman can take it hard; once one realises that fact, then the comfort

becomes tangible and the aforementioned thrust factor kicks in. And then

the primal instincts (which you also mentioned) commence, and that is

when the unintelligible grunts (often from the femme) and the dirty talk

(by the male) often tear the air uncontrollably. (Again, this is my

opinion with my lovers, but I have talked with a few men and women-with

whom I have NOT had sex!- that have said the same basic sequence

"happens" during the more intense sex sessions they have had.)

        As for the bit about boys/men drooling and/or spitting on the clit

and/or pussy (mentioned elsewhere in the latest PROBE) is absurd!

Although I cannot say it has never happened to those femmes with whom I

have had sex, I have never heard of such a thing before reading your bit

about it. 

        Anyhow, I would prefer this lettre not be published, because I feel it

is, as you divined in your article, smacking of words from a braggart,

but ultimately it is up to you. I would imagine that you will get the

shitspeak from the prurient punks, and perhaps it is nice to get lettres

of support that you may put in the next issue.

Rev. Randall Tin-ear

P.S. I have some rather detailed books about sex and sexual anatomy in

my library, and if you wish, will photocopy for you those pages which be

of interest to you. If you do desire this, give me some time, however,

as I shall have to dig out the proper texts.

-- 

Rev. Randall Tin-ear 

Angry Thoreauan MagaZine



---------------------



Hey Aaron and the rest of Probe:

        Wells from Traffic Violation Records in New York here.  Thanks for sending

over the Your Mother / All You Can Eat split 7" with my Probe #8.  Anyway

the main reason I am writing is to bring up something I came across in #8.

By the looks of the Fastmusic and Fat Wreck Chords ads, they use

professional models.  Of course I am not sure, but I would assume that

these images were lifted from other sources without permission (?).   If

that's the case, that's pretty fucked up right?  These people probably took

their close off and posed naked for money, and now these labels have stolen

their images and used them without permission or compensation.  Again, I am

not sure how this shit went down, it just seems that way.  I really don't

mean to point fingers and crap, I just figured it was something worth

bringing up in the letters section.  Anyway, that's it.  I'm looking

forward to #9.  Good Luck.

Wells.

www.trafficviolation.com  



----------------------



 Hey Aaron. Mark Stalcup here - the last time you heard from me was Dec. 1998

 in a letter I sent about a year ago, praising the virtues of The Probe 

in general and the photos and writing of a girl I thought was Kris Rockass. 

(It wasn't, as far as the photos went. A friend of mine who had some back issues 

and knew I was stuck in Kentucky and interested in reading The Probe sent me 

photocopies of some of the articles from issue #6, and I screwed up thinking 

Tracy was Kris in one instance and Jessica from Reina Aveja was Kris in another. 

OK - silly mistake on my part, but they weren't the greatest photocopies. What 

can I say? I was a dumbass.)

     Anyway, you wrote me back a really cool letter pointing out my mistaking 

Jessica for Kris, and letting me know that you'd pass my compliments along to 

Jessica, who's married, and even offered to let Kris know I was interested, which 

I thought was really cool of you. I felt like such a dork like I had made such a 

complete ass of myself - that I started writing a reply, but never got around to 

mailing it. So my apologies to you, and to Tracy and Jessica, who are both gorgeous 

and gracious, and to Kris, who is gorgeous and a hell of a fine writer, too.  

Anyhow, I hope it's OK that I'm writing back this late. I actually got out of the 

vast wasteland of Kentucky (Thank God!) and made it to Bloomington for law school at 

Indiana University. (I took the admissions test on a whim, and somehow got a decent 

enough score that they tossed me a scholarship.) It's a cooler town - Operation Cliff 

Clavin played around here recently, and the scene is thriving, which is why I'm writing 

you now. I walked into this huge Border's superstore - where they have aisles of magazines, 

plus the usual yuppie cappucino place - to pick up Maximumrocknroll and some British 

magazines I like - when what to my wondering eyes should appear but The Probe #8. 

Jesus. I have no idea how it got there, because that place has never been exactly 

zine-friendly, but that was the very definition of a pleasant surprise. I was even 

happier to hear that things are going well for you with Keri. From my limited dealings 

with you, you seem like good people and a really stand-up guy, and reading about how 

much you've invested in the zine and the record label reemphasized how much of a labor 

of love the whole effort's been for you. The music and the magazine are incredible - and 

I hope the fact that Keri's helping out and that The Probe is showing up on the newsstands 

in some unexpected placesmeans that good things are in store for you and the magazine. I 

also wanted you to know that, for whatever it's worth, I'll try to help spread the word 

about the bands and the zine. Since moving to Bloomington, I've taken a job as a staff 

writer at a local paper, and I am also supposed to talk to the radio station about doing 

a DJ shift, something that many of the paper's staff do already. If any of the bands 

are playing here or nearby, let me know and I'll work out interviewing them for the 

paper. Maybe I can also do a story on you and the zine/label sometime. The other thing 

is, since Christmas is over and I can actually now afford to spend some money on myself, 

when I get paid on the 15th, I'm going to order some of the new records and, assuming 

I get the radio gig, I'll play them on the air and let people know how to get them. 

Hope that helps. I'll probably also order the Tracy video. I usually feel really weird 

about buying those kinds of things, because I have some of the same qualms about 

expolitation you mentioned when you were announcing the video. Knowing that Tracy 

okayed the final product, is dealing with someone she trusts, in having fun, and 

will be getting royalties from it alleviates some of those concerns. Then again, 

I'm a guy, I have a libido, and I also think Tracy's easily one of the most gorgeous 

women I've ever seen. That may make me a little biased.(As generous as your offer to 

let Kris know I was interested was, I think I'd rather have you put in a good word for 

me with Tracy, except that 1.) I'm pretty sure every guy who knows you has asked you 

to put in a good word with her for them and 2.) Doubt I'd stand a chance with her 

anyway.) Anyway, I hope people don't give you too much shit about it; I think so 

long as the girls are having fun doing something they want to do and earning some 

money in the process, it doesn't betray the spirit in which the magazine was started, 

as you worried it might. The other thing I want to thank you for is your reply to 

Alexis Perryman (Spike) in the letters column. What you said was about not judging 

people - even cops - as a group was absolutely perfect. Since I grew up in a small 

town and spent most of my time skateboarding and listening to punk where most of my 

peers were rednecks who listened to Hank Williams Jr., I was used to being judged 

and mistrusting authority. As I grew up and became a journalist - and now am studying 

to be a lawyer, I really had a crisis of conscience about becoming part of a system 

that I felt did protect the white upper class. Many times, the media and 

lawyers - and cops - do get slimed with a broad brush and portrayed as unethical 

tools of an unfair system. Sometimes that's deserved -- sometimes the system does 

screw people. But there are also a lot of good people who are in those professions 

who aren't like that, and who are fighting to change things. For someone like Spike, 

who's in prison, it may be hard to see that and his resentment might be based on a 

good reason - but your response cut through the bullshit and prejudice and was stone 

perfect. Thanks, man.Well, that's about it. Hope you had a happy new year and a great 

2000 awaits you. Issue #8 was great, esp. the Plan-it X interview, and the women were 

gorgeous - especially Tracy, Mary, Kia and Arwen. My love life still sucks in the new 

millennium -- too damn busy with school and work. (If any of the Probe girls likes 

the idea of dating one of the few punk law students, please have 'em write...Most of 

the people at this college want to date Ken or Barbie...Gag.) Can't wait for the next 

issue. Anyway, I've rambled on for pages so I'd best shut the hell up. Drop me a line 

if you get the chance, and best wishes to you and Keri, the label and the zine in the 

new year...



Thanx,



Mark Stalcup

P.O. Box 311

Bloomington, IN

47402-0311



e-mail: stalcupmark@hotmail.com



------------------



here you go, Mark...





Hey Aaron -



So it seems lil' Laura Henderson has been back with a vengeance and up to 

her same freakish shenanigans.  Tracy Quick recently began sharing a flea 

market spot with fellow named Dillon who kept talking about his new roommate

who he was also fucking.  Then one flea market afternoon who should show up 

to say hello, none other than The Cunt Rag.  Tracy told him she was bad news

and offered to elaborate, but he declined because he didn't want to ruin the

sex.  But then, surprise surprise, she showed him her other side by stealing

money and freaking out in the way only a deeply unbalanced person can, 

eventually forcing a 4 hour standoff with a sympathetic cop/friend before 

she would acquiesce to vacate the premises.  Homeless and hated yet again, 

it is believed she moved, this time to Arizona, presumedly to air out her 

putrid disposition and refresh her phony "nice-face" so she can return to SF

sometime in the not too distant future and snare still more unsuspecting 

folks in her twat trap.  Ooooh, that girl!



After all that shit went down, Tracy finally got the chance to spill the 

tale of my Cunt Rag horror story and now this Dillon is desperate to read 

the "Cunt Rag" piece so we were trying to find it online but alas..  The 

rest of the PROBE website looks great though--so interactive, so clever!



Anyway, I just thought I'd hip you to the latest.



xoxXOXO

Kris Rockass



p.s. he said he wished we could have seen her when she was on her hands and 

knees barking like a dog--if only ...



-----------------



Hey Aaron,

 ....thanks for your candid writings on sex in the last

Probe - it's probably the best and most spot-on piece on the subject that I've

ever read. It's  tough to breach sex without sounding like a pimp or a braggart,

and I like the fact that you treated it with tenderness and honesty. Sex is an

often maligned subject - a hot button for most - in fact, our last mailgirl quit

because she thought Al and I were pornographers (for the sake of argument, if we

were, we're not that good at it and don't hold a candle to you or Barely Legal.

Keep it up (pun intended).

    I like the Probe quite a bit - and read the last one cover to cover. I really

enjoy the fact that you come from a hard-working perspective. (I was a tow truck

driver for a couple years when I was in school and I've worked every day since I

became an emancipated minor at 17.)

    As for the topic of our ad rates being steep (in your review of us) - yeah,

they're higher than most, but they haven't increased in three years and all of the

money is going straight into paying off an image setter (a thermal res film

plotter), which allows us to do all the color plates here, in house, and we, on

occasion, do extremely cheap film for other people (like Liberation, Cool Guy

Records, RAFR, etc.). Not that you care that much, I just wanted to express that

it's was a tough decision to make, but I like the fact that we can run color that

doesn't look like goo on the inside newsprint pages and when we have the time, we

pass the savings around in other ways that aren't as obvious.

    Take care, and I'll let you know the reviewers responses when they come in.

    -Todd,  Flipside



-------------------------



hi aaron!

i have just received probe #8 (here in germany it takes some time to get it, 

although the distribution is good - i don´t order a single zine via 

mailorder) and  i have to say it is great!

but there is one thing i would like to know:

probe seems to be very personal, you write mostly about yourself, about what 

you do, about what you think. doesn´t it feel bad if there are hundreds of 

people out there who know that you are up to?

i am doing a zine myself and i tend to leave too personal things out of the 

zine because there are things which i better keep to myself.

how do you handle that? are you indifferent to what people think about you, 

or are you so naive (not meant as an insult, i don´t know any other word 

expressing that state of mind) that you think everyone will like you despite 

of some printed statement?

i am curious what you think about that.

see you & ciao,

claus/rockaway zine/germany







>         The Beer Prayer

>

>  Our lager,

>  Which art in barrels,

>  Hallowed be thy drink.

>  Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),

>  At home as it is in the tavern.

>  Give us this day our foamy head,

>  And forgive us our spillage,

>  As we forgive those who spill against us.

>  And lead us not to incarceration,

>  But deliver us from hangovers.

>  For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.

>

>  Barmen.

____________________



_______________________________

This message is actually about the back issues of Probe that are available at punkrocksex.com



Hello, I just wanted to tell you your web page sucks. I used to read your 

mag. I won't be any longer though! I thought The Probe had class. Your 

choice of sponsers is discusting! If I wanted to see porn I'd got to a porn 

page. Why associate porn with your label? Just wanted to tell you how much 

you suck!





Rhetoric Records owes Probe Records $1,000 -doesn’t sound like I’ll be getting it anytime 

soon.....



Message from Rhetoric:

do not know if any of you have heard ;...but rhetoric is in a lot of

trouble with the amn in blue... my house was raided and since you all know

we are pro weed i am facing  numerous felonies her in the state of

Wisconsin.. so we need you r help/support. my lawyer's retainer was $15,000

so if you can buy any records please do..ok... ordering instructions will

be at the end...and if you email in an order to help save time send all

mailorders to this new hotmail account just for mailorders:



rhetoricm_o@hotmail.com



ok? do you have it?  well i hope to hear from some of you soon. and watch

for the next two emails to have the whole mailorder catalog and with new

lower prices...





...... its been at least three weeks since anyone has heard from me... welll

iwas out of town and came home to be in some big trouble with the man in

blue.... most of it based upon a huge drug addiction...anyhow for the next

year or so i shal be fighting some huge legal battles.( which i am not

allowed to talk about so don't even ask). luckily i have a positive

attitude and nothing except the drug addiction has changed..rhetoric

records is still going full speed ahead.. there might be a label name

change at sometime.. but everyone will be told if that happens.  anyhow you

the consumer punks get the chance to pick up my record collection.. it

means absolutely nothing to me as i face my problems... and i am lucky

enough to have some good freinds helping me out.. i am postive i can come

out on top of this one but damn it shall be a  struggle. but i will be

auctioning off about 90% of my collection.. a couple of 100 pieces at a

time... it shall be posted on ebay through a freind.. the link is below





http://cgi6.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?MfcISAPICommand=ViewListedItems&userid

=themoocow



so if you have any extra dough check out this list.. each auction is done

in 10 days.. and we will be adding stuff mostly on thursdays..ok? but at

tother times too...

and yes i have an updated new catalog that all of you will also get..so

watch for that too... prices are much lower.





brad rhetoric



------------------------



Message from Jon Geek at Spam Records:

We'll definitely link proberecords.com as soon as we get off our asses and 

update the website, which should be in the next coupla weeks.



Distro is so goddamn weird. We've gotten maybe 35 orders for that "Later, 

That Same Year" comp with Downfall (Matt and Lint's band between OpIV and 

Rancid with Dave and Pat Mello), Schlong, Blatz, Filth, Fuel, Gr'Ups, 

Paxston Quiggly, etc. through mailorder, but Bottlenekk has sold like 200 of 

them and Lookout! sells them through their website, and they've sold 

hundreds. We almost NEVER sell them on tables at shows - The biggest selling 

stuff there has been S.P.A.M. stuff, and actually when we have it, Probe 

stuff (especially anything Hickey-related, Your Mother, Death to False 

Metal, etc).



My thoughts on this are actually really positive: It goes to show that bands 

who these labels have nurtured and helped get out there are considered much 

more worth buying by people around the shows and who pay attention to our 

ads than the "Big Bands", who oftentimes these bands that we are friends 

with have actually reacted against to some degree. I mean, I like Screeching 

Weasel, but people who are into Probe Records seem like they want to hear 

something new or much more underground than that.



I guess, in context, it would be a bit like SST in 1983 releasing a Sex 

Pistols record...The "market" of the label is into something different than 

what was the "last wave", I guess. Same with "Later, That Same Year". It's a 

fucking great comp, but the kids (all 8 of 'em!) who go to S.P.A.M. shows 

want stuff like Bobby Joe Ebola, Your Mother, Los Rabbis, Dory Tourette and 

the Skirtheads, Hickey, etc. I think that's a good thing. I mean, shit, the 

ceiling for how many records of each of these we can sell is relatively 

small (at least at this point) but at least the people buying them have good 

taste and probably aren't as fickle of "consumers" as the 800 kids who went 

on interpunk with mommy and daddy's credit card to buy the Screeching Weasel 

record. Which, once again, I am not saying is a bad thing either - I haven't 

heard the record, but I like Screeching Weasel. Same with the comp. Matt and 

Lint play on it - That's enough to grab thousands of kids into buying it. 

Often, however, it won't be the ones who are our friends and 

comrades-in-arms. They want the shit that's THEIRS, that they believe in. So 

I think, like it or not, we've hemmed ourselves into a corner of being poor. 

Frankly, you duplicate a record to sell it - You at least want to break 

even, hopefully (even tho I haven't very often). We continue to put out 

records that we like, all to sell to the same group of kids and buddies 

which does grow, albeit slowly becuz it's something new. And they prefer 

shit that's new.



Hell, even if I die poor and on the streets of Oakland at 27, at least I 

know I helped put out some damn good bands who needed to be heard, even if 

almost no one else was ready to hear them yet. And then, as the bulk of 

people over the years realize how good this shit was and start to buy it and 

pretend they were there when it was really happening and they were either 

ignoring it or like 6 years old (HICKEY), then my bloated corpse will be on 

that great big Thank-You List in the sky. Or something. End of rant. Keep 

putting out good records.



                             --John Geek



-------------------



Important information about beer from Murray Bowles:



A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and 

when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back 

that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a 

whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or 

even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members. 

 

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as 

the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent 

epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of 

alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells 

first. 

 

Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, 

constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The 

result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link 

between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, 

after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, 

most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new 

graduates. 

 

Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious 

alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve 

during their college years. 

 

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological 

edge, we must not shudder in our homes. 

 

Get back into the bars. 



Quaff that pint. 

 

Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you 

shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle 

and be all that you can be. 



---------



From: philsick@swbell.net



Women's English 

Yes = No. 

No = Yes. 

Maybe = No. 

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry... 

We need = I want. 

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. 

Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later. 

We need to talk = I need to complain. 

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to. 

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! 

You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot. 

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. 

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. 

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper. 

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. 

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. 

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate. 

I'll be ready in a minute = I'll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on. 

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. 

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,] 



Men's English 

I'm hungry = I'm hungry. 

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy. 

I'm tired = I'm tired. 

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with

you. 

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with

you. 

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. 

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. 

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! 

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you. 

What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it

now? 

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question? 

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? 

I love you = Let's have sex now! 

I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex? 

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before. 

Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe

sex? 

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with

others.